Foreplay, for play
Rediscover the secret to great sex - By Lisa Sussman

 In the beginning the kisses you shared were long and languorous, the touching could last for hours. Sure, there's not much time these days. But if you want to have that swept-away feeling, you need to rediscover the fine art of foreplay.

Gazing at you, he places his hand on the back of your neck. Slowly, smoothly, the hand slides down your back, pulling you toward him. You kiss — not just for a minute or two but for what feels like hours, moving from innocent explorations to passionate entanglement.

At least that's what used to happen when you and he set out to make love. Today, after five or 10 years, you don't really need to work your way gradually toward the grand act of love. You know what works and what doesn't.

But even though you know the shortcuts to arousal, there are good reasons why precoital games, otherwise known as foreplay, are still so important. For any couple, good, extended foreplay — the kind that takes you back to those nights of discovery in the backseat of the car or out on the beach — adds an intensity and excitement to lovemaking that you may have assumed were gone for good. It is, quite simply, the sexiest thing you can do in bed. But before you can unearth the long-lost secret to great sex, you need to know where it's gone — and why it got buried in the first place.

Creatures of habit

We find what we like and stick with it, even when it's past its expiration date. The pattern, alas, holds true for foreplay, despite the high sexual stakes.

As Maddie, 33, says, "Tom and I did anything and everything when we first started dating. But that was 10 years and two kids ago. Now foreplay has become this pattern of automatically pushing the buttons that we know will turn each other on. There's no buzz anymore."

In an old joke, a newlywed bride chastises her husband on their fourth day of marriage. "I don't understand," she cries. "On Monday you liked chicken. On Tuesday you liked chicken. On Wednesday you liked chicken. Now you say you don't like chicken?"

Like dinner or anything else, foreplay must be varied to remain interesting. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior found that slightly fewer than half of men (49 percent) and just over one-third of women (36 percent) feel that a wide array of sex techniques is a must for maximum bliss.

"There's no other relationship I can think of that we assume we don't have to put any more effort into once it's established," says Pat Love, Ed.D., coauthor of Hot Monogamy. As ever-changing beings — yes, even after we've married — we need to update the repertoire again and again to keep things exciting.

Boredom isn't the only hazard of bypassed or routine foreplay. A Kinsey Institute study showed that only 7.7 percent of women whose lovers spent 21 minutes or longer on foreplay failed to reach orgasm. If you sometimes have trouble reaching orgasm, you may blame it on stress or fatigue, but the real reason might be that you're not getting the right kind of warm-up.

When you consider that "the average female takes up to four times longer to come to a climax or an orgasm or a heightened state of arousal than the male, then foreplay is sex for her," explains Love. "Without that, there's very little satisfaction."

Interestingly, men too are more fulfilled when sex includes copious foreplay. Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., and author of How to Make Love All Night, worked as a surrogate partner before becoming a sex therapist. She says foreplay not only helps prevent and solve such male sexual problems as premature ejaculation and impotence, it also intensifies men's orgasms. "A man functions better when a woman takes a lot of time to sensuously explore his body and tease it a little bit," she explains.

Polls show that the majority of women and men complain they don't get as much foreplay as they'd like.

Why you need to speak up

Even if foreplay were merely a physical (read: sexual) exercise, a prelude to intercourse, its descent into the routine or the inadequate would be a sorry state of affairs. But the subtext of foreplay fatigue, says Sharon Nathan, Ph.D., a sex therapist in private practice in New York, is that you're not communicating as a couple. Yes, it can be pretty hard to suddenly pop out with "Honey, whatever happened to the love fest you used to have with my nipples?" But waiting for your partner to just figure it out on his own can undo a relationship. Your frustration builds until, suddenly, you're attacking: He doesn't care, he's concerned only with his own pleasure, he doesn't think about what you want. Understandably, your baffled spouse becomes defensive. Before you can say "détente," you have a domestic cold war on your hands.

The answer? Rather than believing he can read your mind and just doesn't feel like doing what you want, try simply telling him right away, before it becomes an explosive issue. If that's too scary, start by taking a sideways approach, suggests Nathan: If your partner is doing something you do enjoy, say, "Oh, that feels good."

"Amen to that," says Joyce, 33. She says that when foreplay with Elliot became rushed, she didn't say anything because "I don't like to talk in bed. And I felt he should've known it wasn't working."

Instead, she picked fights, nagged and generally made both their lives miserable. Finally, one night in bed, when Elliot yet again attempted to break the four-minute foreplay barrier, she asked him to slow down.

"Actually, I cried, 'Don't stop, please!'" she recalls. "It just slipped out." Afterward, she pressed her advantage and told him that while she loved what he did with her in bed, sometimes she needed him to take more time during foreplay. "We haven't argued in ages," she says with a grin.

Time is on your side

Next to broaching the subject in the first place, your biggest hurdle will be taking that initial step. Remember, though, that as longtime lovers, you are better equipped for foreplay experimentation than couples who are still wet behind the ears. You can be open to a level of sexuality you would — could — never have with a new lover.

As Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., author of Erotic Edge: Erotica for Couples, explains, "I think that really the best sex is in an intimate relationship. It can go deeper and it can get better. [Yes] it requires a kind of attention to exploring and innovating and making it a part of your life. [But] if a couple can do that, they can go to new places with their sex life. They find themselves saying they didn't know it could get this good: We've been together 10 years, and it gets better and better and better."

Faith, 34, who's been married three years and has a 2-year-old daughter, agrees. "Foreplay is actually more intense because we do have to pay attention to it, make time for it. We don't always try new things. But because we are making an effort, it's always interesting."

Eight new games for the foreplay-challenged

So foreplay between two people who have been together (in every conceivable way) for the past 2,457 days, 22 hours and 23 minutes may require more imagination. But it also allows for it.

First, though, you must have a clear understanding of your subject. Although most sexually active grown-ups consider foreplay an appetizer to intercourse, sex experts have a different take. They'd like you to think of foreplay as "for play" (hey, it could catch on). In other words, relax, says Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D., creator of the video package, "How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life and Still Love It." Enjoy the caressing for its own sake. Remember, she adds, that "holding hands the first time was like having an orgasm."

Still, holding hands will take you only so far. To really light the flame, you're going to need some new fuel. Nothing elaborate, mind you; according to an Archives of Sexual Behavior study, all you really need is a simple change in technique. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• Relocate: Bring back those early days of lust when any place would do — the couch, the shower, the kitchen table, behind a bush in the backyard. Even if you do the same old thing, a new location can stir things up.
• Play "hunt the E-spot": The Kinsey Institute found that 1 percent of women actually climax from having their breasts caressed. Look for new turn-on zones on both of you. Your G-spot (located a short finger's length inside your vagina on the front wall) and the little slit right at the tip of his penis are two popular ones. Another unexplored pleasure point: the sensitive area between his anus and scrotum.
• Play "slave for a night": Imagine you had a lover willing to fulfill your every sexual desire, no questions asked. OK, wipe that smile off your face. Not only does this open the doors of communication, it also offers a good opportunity to share your favorite Jacuzzi/belly-dancing/Jell-O fantasy.
• Dabble in home-style kinkiness: You needn't make a trip to your neighborhood sex-toys shop; look around for ordinary household items. Use silk scarves to tie each other up lightly (take turns), and then tease each other with feathers for all-over body tickles; take straws and blow cold air on him; wear leather gloves to add a new texture to your massages.
• Mix fire and ice: Occasionally replace hands and mouth with a warm towel and an ice cube. Alternating hot and cold causes blood vessels in the area being touched to expand and contract, which heightens pleasure.
• Slow it down: Studies show that sex play (including actual intercourse) tends to last a quick 15 minutes for couples. Slow your usual pace down to double that time, recommends Dr. Keesling. Taking your time allows you to really concentrate on your feelings.
• Mix up your moves: Most of us go from kissing to breasts to genitals to intercourse. But according to Richard Maier, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Loyola University in Chicago, the sequence of touch is as important as touch itself. Next time, start by caressing your lover's least sexual places, such as the neck, shoulders, feet, hair and face, and work your way via the earlobes, mouth, breasts, buttocks and inner thighs to the genitals.
• Use your eyes: Both men and women are stimulated by erotic visuals, according to an Archives of Sexual Behavior study. Try keeping the lights on and your eyes open (this also aids communication, as you can see what pleases your partner). Making love in front of mirrors or using video cameras is a variation on the same theme.

The effort pays off. Once you begin to appreciate foreplay as an integral part of your life together, as important and as necessary as paying the bills or feeding the kids, sexual satisfaction and the stronger relationship that comes with it will always be just one short step away.